Square One

Originally titled "Tubes in the Trash, Heart in Shreds"

So, I guess we should start from last Wednesday....

You know how I was frantically prepping for my job interview, yeah why should that've been my only worry?

Daycare called me at work to inform me J's left ear was draining blood, lots of red blood.

And just like that we had boarded the roller coaster smack dab in the front seat. Throw your arms up people, the roller coaster is moving!

From that moment on the week slipped away as I bounced between nurses at our pediatrician and the ENT. After dealing with ear infections, viruses and congestion galore it's time for answers.

I'm over it! My baby deserves to be well. He should be well. We've done everything they've asked of us. And still, I'm told there's nothing we could've done differently. Hmph. Differently, right.

Both the ENT and pediatrician wanted to see us right away. For the pedi that meant the next morning {note: it was already 5 p.m. before we began dealing with this}. My mom took J to the doctor while I anxiously went to work. I instructed her that I was done with antibiotics. We've done a different antibiotic with each ear infection and they never do anything. In fact, we often have to do two different sets of antibiotics before really getting the infection. Per my request, they took a culture of his ears and instructed us to head to the ENT.

This is where my heart breaks into a million tiny pieces like a mirror smashed in your driveway.

Friday afternoon, I packed me and J up and headed to the ENT. He took a look at J's ears as I explained that we'd had tubes back in October and still were enduring multiple ear infections. His suggestion? Yank out the $300 tubes that seemed so necessary just a few months ago. Because now those tubes are the root of the problem {or at least one of the roots}.

He asked me to hold J close to my chest as he lowered the chair back. I honestly thought he was just going to take a closer peek at his ears. But no. He was going in for the kill...and kill he did. He killed my heart at that moment as I had to hold my child's arms as tubes were literally pulled out of his ears. About the time he finished removing the first tube I couldn't contain my tears any longer. So, I cried. And then I cried more as they removed the second tube.

Antibiotic drops were given and then we were shuffled to checkout with a followup scheduled for one month.

For the first 24 hours things went well.

Then life reminded me we're still in the front seat of that roller coaster.

The congestion set in Sunday afternoon. You could hear it in every breath. And that's when the coughing starts. This was it, just what life was pre-tubes. We have still been so sickie post-tubes that I forgot how much worse it really was before.

Let's just say, no more reminders needed! Pre-tubes was awful. And post-post-tubes might just be worse.

I frantically called the ENT who called in an oral antibiotic. Moments {literally} before I was about to give J Benadryl I recalled the allergists' instructions for our appointment. Yes, you read that correctly, the allergist. We've had an appointment scheduled since early February and it had become my last resort. I had decided it was going to be my answer. But their instructions were no antihistamines 7 days before. Eek! Thank God I remembered!

I held out on the Benadryl long enough for us to get to the allergist yesterday.

Our visit consisted of a skin test and what felt like the longest 15 minute wait EVER.

As I paced back and forth attempting to entertain J, I silently prayed whatever his allergy just don't be the dogs. Dear, Lord not the dogs! Anything but the dogs!

I heard the beep-beep of the nurses' timer, anxiously staring at the door. She came in, took a look and said "there are no positive tests."

Nooooooo!!!

I was so sure J had an allergy. But now we have our answer. Well, kind of. We at least know he's not allergic to anything {generally speaking for the tests they can conduct on a 11-month old}.

So now what?

I'm still left with no answers and a sick baby.

Our allergist and pedi have agree we need to do blood tests regarding J's immune system. However, they prefer these tests not be conducted until a month after our 1-year vaccinations. That's a two month wait for more answers.

In my opinion, that's still no answer. I'm left helpless. Completely and utterly helpless. My baby screams as he lays down at night because his ears hurt. I have a million things swirling through my head and heart as I try to decide what might be best for him.

Perhaps pulling him out of daycare away from the germs for a while might help. This option has now been suggested by our doctor. There's a possibility giving him a year could allow the inner ear to grow in strength and help us avoid the ear infections. But it's just that, a possibility. Do I want to make that gamble and take my social-bug away from the place he thrives most? Would it really help?

I just don't know anymore, not that I ever really knew anything.

My brain is exhausted as my soul is aching for my baby.

We find ourselves back at a crossroads, but I will not be discouraged.

I will help J get better and we will get to the root of his sickies despite our setbacks because that's what moms do. And I'll be damned if I'm not this kid's mom.