Love For a Child

They say a spark ignites the moment a mother sees her child, sadly that didn't happen for me.

I blame it on the fact that it was a full hour and a half before I got to really see or hold Jackson. I remember immediately being saddened that my heart didn't absolutely explode the moment I saw him. Turns out, it's been more of a slow melt.

The sight of J may not have had the historic effect some of you speak of, but I'll never forget that this moment did...

I count down the days to his birthday, the same as I counted down the days to our induction date. The wife counting those days is a far cry from the  mother sitting here today.

While I may appear the same person who stood here before last March, my heart is forever changed. I am forever changed. 

I never knew how our first ten weeks together would bond us forever. Scanning through photos is a little flashback in which I can even smell the way life was. Funny how that is completely different than now.

Maternity leave wasn't easy, but boy was it worth it. I loved our three hour schedule, our seclusion to the house during last year's cold months of March and April. I loved staring at you, listening to you and learning to be a mom.

Becoming a working mom made me love in a whole new way. At first, it was a guilty love. Not an easy type of feeling. For far too long this guilty love ruled our days.

As you grew, as we learned, so did that love. It evolved in immeasurable ways.

Oh my, your eyes are still blue in this photo. I've just been stopped dead in my tracks.

Those eyes.

Those baby blues. Or at least that's what they used to be. Now a days we mainly see baby greens with a few blue days mixed in. It's been your greatest physical change and well my heart would do anything to see those blue eyes again.

Somehow around six to seven months your eyes changed. I honestly can't remember when it happened. Those months are a blur, as they were the brunt of our chronic ear infections. Our love has seen us through months and months of doctors appointments because of these issues.

To see your child in pain, well, let's just say that creates an entirely new type of love. This love is your roots, it is the basis for every mama bear instinct you'll ever have. It is the most passionate love I've felt.

Overnight, you became a different baby. A grown baby. This happened around month ten and we haven't looked back.

As it stands, 51 weeks 4 days old, my heart is hardly making it through the day. From mini tantrums to abundant open-mouth kisses I'm not sure what to think of this little tot in our house.

What I do know is that my heart has grown larger than my chest. I've learned a love this year I never knew could exist. Looking back, I can't believe I ever wanted a life without children, a life without you. How sad that would've been.

This love is undefinable, irreplaceable, absolutely blissful. I am in awe of how my love has grown in just 52 weeks. There is no telling how it will evolve over the next 52, but if this year is any indicator I'm in no way prepared for the days ahead of us.