Friday, September 21, 2012

If it Happens, It Happens?

That's how my doctor put it yesterday. It only caught me off guard for a quick second before I caught myself smiling, nodding yes, if it happens, it happens.

She nodded in approval with a hint of a smirk.

There it was, on the table. Officially in a record.
If it happens, it happens. My heart is open. 
Flutters in my heart and tears in my eyes know it's true.

The moment my teen-self was told I'd only have a 2% chance of having children without advanced assistance of medical science, a huge part of my heart surrendered. It was about this time the movie Juno was taking pregnant teens and moms by storm. This example of a family experiencing my likely future didn't help. I only ever saw a heart-wrenching message from that movie. And just like that, the teeny bit of hope in me vanished.

But then I got married and my husband wanted children. And well, yeah, about that. Not only were the biological possibilities slim, at this point I'd convinced myself I didn't want kids. However? Marriage is compromise.

As the years passed, and my "plan" evolved, I considered the possibility of children; with a few prerequisites in place. Two months later we were pregnant. And stunned. With no prerequisites met.

I sobbed to my mother that I wasn't ready. That I'd not done all the things that needed to be done before making the commitment of parenting. She just laughed at me and said, "This is a good thing!"

Here I am two years after that day, laughing at myself.

My heart had become so closed to the idea of motherhood, I had no idea how to receive this news.

It became clear miracles were in play. And for that, I am thankful.That bit of thankfulness has evolved through various levels of love, grace, struggle and contentment over these last two years.


Now, I stand in front of my almost-18-month old in awe.

My how our days are different. 



Wouldn't it be beautiful to feel this love all over again with the insight we've gained?
I really think it would be. And with that, my heart is open.

If it happens, it happens.

Linking this post with the Mommy-Brain Mixer

23 comments:

  1. What a heartfelt post! It made me smile. Your little boy is gorgeous, and it's so awesome that you're ready for another little one :) My daughter will be a year old in two weeks and I'm playing tug -of-war with the same emotion. Love we feel for our children is uncomparable--how amazing would it be to feel that love ALL over again?

    Thanks for this sweet post this morning!

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  2. This made me tear up. I didn't think it was possible for someone to capture the feelings of love a mother has, but you did it so well. I have experienced so much joy with my little man that my heart is so open for a second, though I am super nervous at the thought of having two little ones.

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  3. With my second, we didn't decide to have another, we just decided to NOT prevent it. A week later, I was pregnant. We didn't expect it quite so soon!
    http://13plumconfessions.blogspot.com/2012/09/dear-makers-of-wallpaper-part-2.html

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  4. As someone who struggled with fertility (and will likely struggle for a #2), I can relate so much to this post. But, how amazing that you were able to conceive in only two months! It took me 14 months (which seemed like FOREVER), but I feel so blessed because I know it takes a lot longer for some women to conceive.

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  5. What a wonderful story that is sure to give hope to others who are struggling! I know I was so sure it would be easy to conceive - I mean, we both come from families that multiply like rabbits... But then it didn't happen month after month. Turned out my body just needed more time and it did happen - on its own schedule. What a wonderful place you are in now!

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  6. I love your thoughts on such a tremendously personal subject. We tried for three years to conceive and when our doctors told us we would need IVF...we already happened to be pregnant. We have decided to take the if it happens, it happens approach as well. Our daughter is our little miracle and if we have another, we'll that is just the icing on the cake.

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  7. Thanks for sharing your struggles and being so honest with your feelings. I know it's not always easy to do that!

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  8. Hi! Great blog. I'm following, follow back if you would like.
    Thank you.
    Patricia http://topiaryrose.blogspot.com

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  9. He's darling! I look forward to finding out if "it" happens!

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  10. Erin I have recently been longing for another baby -- not sure why, since not three weeks ago I was convinced I'd only ever want this one baby -- you have spoken to my heart with this. I can't wait to see when it happens.

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  11. We have taken the same stand with baby #2, if it happens it happens. We are much less stressed out knowing that we are on that page, open to whatever happens.
    Good luck!

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  12. This is such a beautiful testimony! And what a sweet little miracle you got from it! Yay for the possibility of sweet new additions :-)

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  13. This post to so heartfelt and sweet and your lil man is precious

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  14. amazing story & blog!

    xoxo
    http://joanna-dan.blogspot.com/

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  15. here's hoping!!! and how fun to be willing to take that next step!

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  16. He is such a miracle! I will be praying for you, Friend, and whatever path God has laid out for you.

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  17. Such an inspiring post! God's timing is perfect, indeed. Congratulations and good luck on whatever your future may hold. :)

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  18. Praying for you and whatever path He has chosen for you - it is perfect!

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  19. Cue the warm fuzzies. I had no idea about all of this! Isn't it funny how when we're young, we can hardly picture ourselves as ACTUAL moms, and now here we are, and we can't picture ourselves without our kids? Here's to hoping for another little miracle. ;)

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  20. Beautiful post, friend! And what an adorable little boy!

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  21. This is such a beautiful story. How scary and overwhelming that must have been for you. Little A was a surprise as well and I went a little nutty when I found out. I'm so happy for you and where your life may turn. And what great advice, 'If it happens, it happens'. Thanks for this delightful post.

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  22. Oh yay! What a sweet story that ends with an adorable boy with gorgeous brown eyes. So important to remember that in life. "If it happens, it happens." If we could all just let go a bit more and rely on this wouldn't we be much happier?

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