If it Happens, It Happens?

That's how my doctor put it yesterday. It only caught me off guard for a quick second before I caught myself smiling, nodding yes, if it happens, it happens.

She nodded in approval with a hint of a smirk.

There it was, on the table. Officially in a record.
If it happens, it happens. My heart is open. 
Flutters in my heart and tears in my eyes know it's true.

The moment my teen-self was told I'd only have a 2% chance of having children without advanced assistance of medical science, a huge part of my heart surrendered. It was about this time the movie Juno was taking pregnant teens and moms by storm. This example of a family experiencing my likely future didn't help. I only ever saw a heart-wrenching message from that movie. And just like that, the teeny bit of hope in me vanished.

But then I got married and my husband wanted children. And well, yeah, about that. Not only were the biological possibilities slim, at this point I'd convinced myself I didn't want kids. However? Marriage is compromise.

As the years passed, and my "plan" evolved, I considered the possibility of children; with a few prerequisites in place. Two months later we were pregnant. And stunned. With no prerequisites met.

I sobbed to my mother that I wasn't ready. That I'd not done all the things that needed to be done before making the commitment of parenting. She just laughed at me and said, "This is a good thing!"

Here I am two years after that day, laughing at myself.

My heart had become so closed to the idea of motherhood, I had no idea how to receive this news.

It became clear miracles were in play. And for that, I am thankful.That bit of thankfulness has evolved through various levels of love, grace, struggle and contentment over these last two years.


Now, I stand in front of my almost-18-month old in awe.

My how our days are different. 



Wouldn't it be beautiful to feel this love all over again with the insight we've gained?
I really think it would be. And with that, my heart is open.

If it happens, it happens.

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