I know this; I get it. And I'm not going to jump into any irrational decisions for our family, but I've been longing to give Jackson the start of a brotherly relationship. That is, until the last few days.
The smallest scene from a movie, the nonchalant comment from my mom, far too many thoughts swirling in my head are leading my heart in a different direction this week.
My greatest flaw, I once was informed, is that I care too much for others, that I prioritize those around me too much. Many times through life I've reflected on this observation of my personality. And again, I find myself stuck on these words.
A balance of selfishness is necessary in life; I've learned this over the last nine years. And you know what? I really do want to be selfish, some days.
I want to give my son, my husband and myself the blessings I've seen so far in life.
I want Jackson to go to summer camp for weeks at a time. I want him to know the smell of the Blue Ridge, the mist of a waterfall and the grace of a sunrise over Pretty Place. I want him to have his pick of colleges, whether they be in-state or out.
I want to take the trip to Italy my best friend and I have talked of since our teen years. I want to travel the backroads of Tuscany, get lost on the coast and drink far too much wine as we see through a childhood dream.
I want to live, love, laugh and afford the joys I've grown accustom to in this life.
Reality hits quickly post-graduation with job searches, endless bills and expensive lifestyles. Hell, no matter your lifestyle, it's expensive! I worry that if we were to add to our family, we wouldn't be able to provide these many dreams for ourselves and for Jackson.
And then, I find myself thinking about how full my heart is these days.
Perhaps this is it. Perhaps we're meant to be a family of three. I've been blessed with an amazing little boy, one whom despite all medical odds is a shining little miracle.
I guess, I'm at another crossroad where I just need to let go and trust in His plan for our family.
*linking up with this week's Mommy Brain Mixer