Thursday, February 21, 2013

I want to be selfish, some days.

Ridden with baby fever for almost a year, I've focused far too much on our plans to announce an addition to the family in the next eight months. As Facebook produces baby announcement after baby announcement, Brandon looks to me knowing that I'm dying to give Jackson a sibling. But the time isn't right for us.

I know this; I get it. And I'm not going to jump into any irrational decisions for our family, but I've been longing to give Jackson the start of a brotherly relationship. That is, until the last few days.

The smallest scene from a movie, the nonchalant comment from my mom, far too many thoughts swirling in my head are leading my heart in a different direction this week.

My greatest flaw, I once was informed, is that I care too much for others, that I prioritize those around me too much. Many times through life I've reflected on this observation of my personality. And again, I find myself stuck on these words.

A balance of selfishness is necessary in life; I've learned this over the last nine years. And you know what? I really do want to be selfish, some days.

I want to give my son, my husband and myself the blessings I've seen so far in life.

I want Jackson to go to summer camp for weeks at a time. I want him to know the smell of the Blue Ridge, the mist of a waterfall and the grace of a sunrise over Pretty Place. I want him to have his pick of colleges, whether they be in-state or out.

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I want to kiss Brandon under the Eiffel Tower. I want to take him to my favorite restaurant in Seville, Spain and show him the remnants of my heritage in Scotland. I want to have the ability to focus on us, our love and our marriage.

I want to take the trip to Italy my best friend and I have talked of since our teen years. I want to travel the backroads of Tuscany, get lost on the coast and drink far too much wine as we see through a childhood dream.

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I want to go to law school. I swear if my boss gives one more inspirational speech on young attorneys and law students, he's going to lose me sooner rather than later.

I want to live, love, laugh and afford the joys I've grown accustom to in this life.

Reality hits quickly post-graduation with job searches, endless bills and expensive lifestyles. Hell, no matter your lifestyle, it's expensive! I worry that if we were to add to our family, we wouldn't be able to provide these many dreams for ourselves and for Jackson.

And then, I find myself thinking about how full my heart is these days.


Perhaps this is it. Perhaps we're meant to be a family of three. I've been blessed with an amazing little boy, one whom despite all medical odds is a shining little miracle.

I guess, I'm at another crossroad where I just need to let go and trust in His plan for our family.

*linking up with this week's Mommy Brain Mixer

10 comments:

  1. There is nothing wrong with this! I am a momma to two, and if it weren't for the oops with my birth control I would probably only be a momma to one. I love my second child more than life itself, and couldn't imagine life without him. But if things happened differently, I was just fine having just one baby.

    You have to do what is best for you and your family.

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  2. I feel like this came directly from my heart today. It's that leap of faith where I just can't plan and I have to put my faith in His timing that's hard. Plus, we weigh the pros and cons- the things and experiences we could provide for our son if we were a one and done family..... You are not alone in feeling this way!

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  3. I don't even think it's selfish to think those things! Your thoughts are totally normal. We are having the same conversations about whether we should ever go for a third or stop at 2. I love the idea of 3 kids, especially when they are all adults and we (hopefully) have an awesome relationship with them, but when they're young it is just SO much work and so expensive.

    Maybe you should borrow Reid for a couple days and see how you fare with two. hehe. :)

    PS- I didn't realize you were Scottish! So am I. We'll have to chat about that some more!

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  4. Love this post...and yep I want to travel to Italy...and go to on a trip just the hubby and I...I don't think that makes us selfish just human :) We have a lot of the same wants my friend.

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  5. It's definitely not selfish at all! I am struggling with the idea of if Aubrey is going to be an only child or not. My husband would be just fine if she was our only. I want another pregnancy, I want another child, I want Aubrey to have a brother or sister. Right now, we are just waiting to see when (if ever) the time is right.

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  6. I don't think this is selfish at all. And ALL of this weighed in on our decision to have another. I want to be able to take Evie to Europe, I want her to go to private school, I want her to be able to know that we will pay for college -- and I also know that unless we fall into some pretty big money, the more kids we have the less likely those things seem to become. I don't know that that is how it will go, but it seems that way. Make sense? Sigh.

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  7. Beautiful post! He will lead you in the direction you are meant to travel my friend. Just keep listening!

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  8. Sometimes it's nice to step back and appreciate the things we have and our dreams. : )

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  9. What a great post. I worry about being able to do those "selfish" (although not selfish, just wishes) things too. We've been blessed with a house full of kids, and while I know we are blessed there are many things that will have to wait until my boys are grown. We just put our faith in Him and know that we were meant to love, spoil and cherish our boys, all the other things can wait. Xoxo

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