I want to be selfish, some days.

Ridden with baby fever for almost a year, I've focused far too much on our plans to announce an addition to the family in the next eight months. As Facebook produces baby announcement after baby announcement, Brandon looks to me knowing that I'm dying to give Jackson a sibling. But the time isn't right for us.

I know this; I get it. And I'm not going to jump into any irrational decisions for our family, but I've been longing to give Jackson the start of a brotherly relationship. That is, until the last few days.

The smallest scene from a movie, the nonchalant comment from my mom, far too many thoughts swirling in my head are leading my heart in a different direction this week.

My greatest flaw, I once was informed, is that I care too much for others, that I prioritize those around me too much. Many times through life I've reflected on this observation of my personality. And again, I find myself stuck on these words.

A balance of selfishness is necessary in life; I've learned this over the last nine years. And you know what? I really do want to be selfish, some days.

I want to give my son, my husband and myself the blessings I've seen so far in life.

I want Jackson to go to summer camp for weeks at a time. I want him to know the smell of the Blue Ridge, the mist of a waterfall and the grace of a sunrise over Pretty Place. I want him to have his pick of colleges, whether they be in-state or out.

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I want to kiss Brandon under the Eiffel Tower. I want to take him to my favorite restaurant in Seville, Spain and show him the remnants of my heritage in Scotland. I want to have the ability to focus on us, our love and our marriage.

I want to take the trip to Italy my best friend and I have talked of since our teen years. I want to travel the backroads of Tuscany, get lost on the coast and drink far too much wine as we see through a childhood dream.

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I want to go to law school. I swear if my boss gives one more inspirational speech on young attorneys and law students, he's going to lose me sooner rather than later.

I want to live, love, laugh and afford the joys I've grown accustom to in this life.

Reality hits quickly post-graduation with job searches, endless bills and expensive lifestyles. Hell, no matter your lifestyle, it's expensive! I worry that if we were to add to our family, we wouldn't be able to provide these many dreams for ourselves and for Jackson.

And then, I find myself thinking about how full my heart is these days.


Perhaps this is it. Perhaps we're meant to be a family of three. I've been blessed with an amazing little boy, one whom despite all medical odds is a shining little miracle.

I guess, I'm at another crossroad where I just need to let go and trust in His plan for our family.

*linking up with this week's Mommy Brain Mixer