From the Desk of a Seemingly Silent Writer

Guilt covered my heart as I came back to this place to process what God’s done this year. With one click the browser opens. Another click, the drafts tab opens. It’s all a reminder God told me to get back to writing, yet the year is almost done and the page refreshes with only a couple half-hearted published posts and some wholehearted unpublished posts.

There’s this flip-side that comes along with the gift of writing. I’ve heard it echoed by other writers the more I’ve leaned in to really listen this year. With the gift of words comes a surrendering of ourselves to others. In the context of a believer, we ask words to come from the Father and that He’d direct them as needed. And as sweet a communion as this may be, it means writers are often asked to share some of their most intimate moments with the Lord, the messiest parts of their hearts, all while trusting it’s for their good and His glory. 

In the still of my office I can’t help but ask God to show me what He did through my writing this year.

In our culture the gift of writing can lift you up or bury you under depending on likes, comments and shares. I’d felt both sides to this swinging pendulum. After years of clicking publish on blogs and social media, the friction these highs and lows created was more than I could bear. God got loud and told me to get quiet. It wasn’t a cop out; it was a call back.

That’s what our Savior does when he sees a sheep in danger: He calls it back to Him. He is relentless in His pursuit to rescue the sheep. And that’s just what He did with my writing this year. He called me back to the quiet space with Him and a digital journal. The words He gave me meant to be sent back to Him alone in worship.

And then this Summer in a split second all my notes were gone. A glitch in the digital storage and the words I’d written all year were no more. Why would all the things He needed me to say, to know, to learn be gone? How could He allow this? I was devastated until I actually sought God on the matter.

This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days declares the Lord: I will put my laws on their hearts and write them on their minds. Hebrews 10:16

When I stopped long enough to seek His face, He reminded me I didn’t need the written words, I simply needed Him. Yes, the writing had been a source of teaching for me and a praise back to Him, but He has written these things on my heart and mind. They may be gone from my phone, but they are imprinted on my heart for all time.

Even still, I felt a lingering guilt that I’d not written. I knew God had given me messages to share. Had I been disobedient in this?

Instead of facing the answer to this question, I hopped on Facebook.

Check notifications: 4 notifications for Awaken Women. Several women responded to a post I’d put in our group that morning; another with a prayer request.

Oh, that’s right. I’d been writing here, for them, Awaken Women.

I’d been feeling this guilt for not posting on my instagram or blog, but God had me clicking publish all along without the weight of seeking approval. In obedience, I’d kept the outpouring of my words for the women He called me to shepherd.

Emails, facebook posts, daily text messages. These were the spaces He gave me a word to be sent out. Not for the world, but for a specific group of people. As I learn to lead, I’m also learning what it means to do it well for the glory of God. This year that's looked like taking the meager overflow of words and keeping them for Awaken Women as an offering to God.

Holding these words for them is not something I take lightly. It’s an honor of a lifetime to lead these women and do life with them. If ever there was a place or people who I’d want to receive the little overflow I had this year then it would be them.

The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes His steps. Proverbs 16:9

Surely God knew my plans to continue on in women’s ministry. How kind of Him to prepare the steps that would allow my words to reach them this year. I pray He uses this gift as He grows me and that He’d get all the glory in every word I write no matter who sees it.